I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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