I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
