Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The best revenge is premature balding
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
