I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
