just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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