on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
