her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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