yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
