Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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