I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he shaved USA in his pubs
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
