i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
