Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
