Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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