I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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