Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
