I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
