omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
