turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize