hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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