I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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