Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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