at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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