I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
