so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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