The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
