I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
