Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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