If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
