So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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