Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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