awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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