Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
