i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
