I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
one might say we're banned from that church
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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