Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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