The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
