I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize