What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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