how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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