No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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