The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
