I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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