I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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