and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
two words: eviction party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
