he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
