I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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