I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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