listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
