I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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