My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
where are my eyebrows?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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