Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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