I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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