you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
