it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
