I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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