I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
