We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
