wanna go halves on a baby?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
