wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
