He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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