At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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