She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
