New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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