Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
