two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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