worst night to have a conscience
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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