For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize