I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
try to milk me bitch
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
