I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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