There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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