i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
