just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
