The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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